A petty yet disturbing matter

Following the wind of changes that are taking place in my life, I decided as I always do in these cases, to go to the hairdresser. I did not want a complete new hairstyle, but some highlights and a cut. She seemed to have understood me despite my basic German which completely lacks words like "highlights" or "shade". But she apparently did not. I wanted that Summer natural blonder look and my hair is now darker than it was! Gone are the natural blond highlights I got from the sun and the ocean! I know, it's a petty matter. But what can I say, it's disturbing to me. I hate it when a hairdresser does not do exactly what you pay him/her for.

Wounded

She has tried many times to talk to him. But every time she has, he has made her feel worse. Justifying himself and blaming everything on her. He is much better with words than she is. She therefore gave up on telling him how she feels a long time ago. But that does not solve the problem.

Many things he has done or said have hurt her. All these little things have created knots and they are eating her inside. She tries to ignore them. She tries to ignore the problem. She acts with him as if everything was perfect, although not being herself. But then another of his words, actions or lack of one penetrates her stomach like a dagger. Another knot is born. Another knot to join all the others. She can feel them wanting to explode and burst out of her throat. Sometimes they’re so strong she can’t help the tears falling down her cheeks silently. Not a sound comes out of her. She knows better than that. She can’t utter a word. She might drown in the avalanche of her own words if she let’s the first word out. For nothing as he won’t understand. And his defense will make her feel even worse. For he is much better with words than she is.

No, now is not the time yet. She does not feel ready to talk to him. She is not strong enough. Maybe she will never be. Or maybe he won’t be alive anymore when she finally is. He is getting older. She is petrified by the idea of him dying. For she loves him madly. Despite all the injustice he is putting her through. She is not angry at him. She already forgave him. She simply wishes he would open his eyes and be fair again. For there was a time when he was a just man.

Yes

"I think now is the perfect time to ask you. Will you marry me?"
"Are you serious?"
"Yes, I am."
"In that case you know my answer. Yes. Of course I want to marry you."

This conversation happened seven weeks ago. We have since then decided that we will get married next spring in Switzerland, and have spent our three-week-holiday drinking champagne and announcing the big news to our family. They are all thrilled. As for me, I am starting to feel a bit stressed/overwhelmed. I actually need to organise this whole event. But first things first, I need to find the special place we have in mind for this big party!