it could happen after all

I've been living in Hanover for two and half years now. Hard to believe it's been so long already. Although on the other hand it does feel like I've been here for an eternity. By all means much longer than planned. I've been pretty much feeling like lingering in a waiting room, as if my life was on hold. Leaving without M was never really an option, although I would have taken that job in Zurich if I had been given the opportunity. But things happen for a reason, and if I left my life in Madrid to live with M back in 2005, it certainly was not to find myself alone in Zurich in 2007. Life decided otherwise anyway. And I'm glad it did, as we now have a beautiful daughter. When we move, we'll move all three together. Which amazingly enough might actually happen now. The board gave the green light to M's transfer to Miami yesterday. No obstacles stand in the way to our new life any longer. Although we'll wait until the contract is signed before we open the champagne. A magnum bottle it will be!

the weekend

It was a lovely weekend.

Baltic weekend

We are leaving to the baltic sea tomorrow for the weekend. It's our last getaway romantic weekend just the two of us before she arrives. And M's present for my upcoming birthday. So we're heading up North to the baltic sea, where we've rented a cute little flat in an old farm house, and where we plan to discover beautiful spots like Wismar, Lübeck, and the coast in general. With a little help from the weather, we might even enjoy walks on the beach. With a big help from our Little One, who's decided to lay upside down already, I might be able to walk more than 10 minutes without pains. At any rate, rain or shine, pains or no pains, I plan to enjoy this weekend!

Week 20

We did go to the doctor yesterday, both very eager to find out the sex of the baby. However, it kept its fetal position, legs tight, thus refusing to let us see whether it's a girl or a boy. We'lll hopefully find that out next week, as we'll go see a specialist who'll make sure all the baby's organs are functionning properly with an ultrasound. Hopefully, as I'd love to know if I should buy cute pink little dresses or blue overalls when shopping in Miami in three weeks...

Anyway, the most important thing of course is that the baby is doing good, which it is, as well as the mother, and I am. Other than the 5 kgs gained in the last 5 months that is. My belly is showing more and more each day, which is obviously normal. A bit more bothersome is the fact that it is not clearly recognisable as a pregnant belly, meaning I just look fat to people who don't know me. Got to get get used to that I guess. Could definitely get used to M's proud and happy father face as he stared at our baby on the doctor's screen. That's also why I asked him to come with me again next week.

Post diet

I am very happy to tell you that M and I are done with the Max Planck diet. We followed the two week plan, M hardly survived the very hard first week (unlike me, he had never followed a strict diet before and lacked his carbs for lunch and dinner), but the second week went by much better. I on the other hand have to say that I found the diet quite easy and was rarely hungry in between meals. But although I ate and suffered less, I of course also lost less: M lost 5 kg and I lost 4.

All in all a successful and quite interesting experience. We are now back to a normal balanced diet and of course regular sports. The last thing we'd want want is to gain all that weight back! Unless of course we weigh ourselves up side down from now on ;-)

Summer holidays

As Rancho Chico has been demolished and is no longer an option, we decided to spend an active and cultural vacation this year. And we certainly did a lot and saw a lot. We spent a few days in Switzerland, then drove down to Tuscany, where we had rented an apartment from an adorable old italian couple in lost crossroads Poggio Cuculo. M did not know the region, so my mother and I showed him Florence, Siena, San Gimignano, and the lovely villages of the chiantigiana. We also drove down to Umbria and discovered beautiful places such as Assisi and Perugia. M and I then took the train down to Rome, where we spent 6 days walking the city under Ferragosto circumstances: no Romans, thousands of tourists, and 80% of its restaurants and shops closed. However, Rome still won me over again, and made of M one of its biggest fans. A long weekend at the Dottore's flat in the nearby future is already planned! All in all a wonderful vacation, although I have to say I miss our usual two weeks of relaxing and sunbathing in our lost haven in the south of Spain...

After 2 weeks spent in Italy eating la buona pasta and drinking wine every day, we are on a strict diet since our return home. A two week diet, which should enable us to lose the few kilos overweight, and look as good as the day we met. That's right, it's not because we're married that we don't want to look good for each other! So we're trying the Max Planck diet. Today's our 4th day.... 10 days to go! The hardest thing on this diet is the lack of any spices for me... without mentioning the lack of sleep. I toss and turn every night and all night long since Sunday. But being able to reach my ideal weight of 50 kg in just 2 weeks is definitely worth the suffering.

Honeymoon Baby!

Time to leave on our honeymoon! Mauritius it is, spending 7 nights in a small charming romantic hotel. No program except rest, sun, ocean, watersports, and loads of romance... See ya!

Lost

I need to make choices. I simply cannot go on like this, waiting for it to happen, it being anything that will take me to the next phase of my life. Where to next? My choices are limited and none of them is perfect.

Should I focus on my career and look for a new interesting challenging job? Even if that means moving again, going back to a situation similar to Madrid, seeing M only on the weekends? Not exactly how I had envisioned my married life. And it does feel a bit like going backwards, throwing away what was achieved in the last year. Should I then prioritize my couple, stay in Hanover and recycle professionally, i.e. forget about my career, my experience, and do something totally new? Or should I rather fulfill my desire to have a child, although being in Hanover and living only on one salary is far from the perfect setting? Ni puta idea. I feel completely lost.

107 hours

M and I used to have what you call a long-distance relationship for two and half years, seeing each other on average twice a month. It was very hard. Letting him go after a wonderful long weekend together felt devastating. Each time. We indulged in hour long telephone conversations each night, or several times per day, spending a fortune on phone bills and airplane tickets. When we moved in together, I was actually really nervous and a bit worried that it would be a bit hard at times. It wasn't. Everything immediately felt natural and comfy. Home is where he is. And so Hannover is now my home.

Except that he is not here with me these days, as he was sent on a very important business trip. He left yesterday and is now so far away that I can hear the distance over the phone connection. And I feel as if half of me was missing. Lazy, vulnerable, and a bit sad. Especially when I count the hours till next Sunday morning, when I'll pick him up from the airport. 107 hours to go.

Yes

"I think now is the perfect time to ask you. Will you marry me?"
"Are you serious?"
"Yes, I am."
"In that case you know my answer. Yes. Of course I want to marry you."

This conversation happened seven weeks ago. We have since then decided that we will get married next spring in Switzerland, and have spent our three-week-holiday drinking champagne and announcing the big news to our family. They are all thrilled. As for me, I am starting to feel a bit stressed/overwhelmed. I actually need to organise this whole event. But first things first, I need to find the special place we have in mind for this big party!

Surprisefriday

"Get ready, we're leaving in one hour" M tells me Friday morning. "And pack an overnight bag 'cause we're not coming back till tomorrow. Don't ask any questions, it's a surprise." So began my Friday.

M had been planning everything for a long time, and hadn't said a word about it to me. Well yeah, that's what a surprise is all about you're probably thinking. But the fact is M has been very bad at keeping it to himself in the past. He would usually say something like "Darling, I have a surprise for you. Guess what it is", thus ruining the surprise effect. But he apparently learned his lesson.

My Friday ended at the Robbie Williams concert in Hamburg, surrounded by 80'000 people. Considering Robbie was our very first concert together in Madrid and "Feel" is our special song, it was a wonderful surprise. Although not the only one of the day. But that's another story and another post . . .

Tic tac

Times they are changing. Again. Until recently it was friends moving in together, and ultimately getting married. But we’ve now entered the baby phase. Slowly but oh very surely. Seeing my girlfriends having babies these recent past years was wonderful and impressive to watch. Tic tac. Observing how their babies are now growing is magic. Tic tic tac. But as I am now starting to notice the little bellies on my two other newlypregnant girlfriends, dare I admit that I wish that for me too? Tictactic.

As we were all four having drinks last night, Sus said out loud what I am thinking and not saying: “You should get married as you wait for the job transfer. It would at least be easier on both of you financially, especially as V is not working.“ Well that’s not exactly what I think, but part of it. Getting married for financial reasons was and will never be a good enough reason for me.

But this temporary waitandpraytogetthenextjob stay in Hanover is definitely extending itself more than planned hoped. And the clock keeps ticking. Tictactictactictactictactic. And I know that M is The One for me and that we will marry. The plan was later, after the job, the move, the new life. But I reckon, why not now while we wait for this new life after all? And I’ll go even further: why not try the baby project now, as I have to wait till we move to continue with my career anyway? Why and yet why not. I do think about it. But I also have many doubts. Is it really good to precipitate things all the time? I am not quite sure about anything these days.

Element of discord

It all began with a comment. A comment to be nice. A comment to make conversation. 'What a nice teapot!' I happened to say to M's mother one day. And I did find it nice. In her house. But I cannot say that I was happy as I opened my Christmas present from M's parents last December: the famous teapot every woman in M's family has in her household. I was actually horrified. For anyone who knows me well, that modern teapot is just not me. It just does not fit in my home.

I obviously fainted thankfullness in front of his parents, but could not lie to M afterwards. Naive me, I told him honestly how I felt about it. Which obviously led to a stupid argument. Aren't arguments between couples always caused by the stupidest worthless topics anyway? The goddamn teapot is since then the certain cause for conflict. The element of discord of our couple. I therefore never mention the word 'teapot' in front of M anymore. That word is now banished in our house. Please be advised if you ever come to visit and I serve you tea.

Uncertain times

Is M going to get this job and will we thus be moving soon to the New World? Or will we stay here for a few more months and should I thus say 'yes' to Mrs.Headhunter and her quite interesting yet not perfect job proposal?

Uncertainty is strenous. Yet mine is nothing compared to what my dear friend and her family are going through. I think of you, hope that the operation will be successful, and that everything will turn out ok at the end. I pray that she will be as lucky in her unluck as my Mom.

A car week

I have never seen M so nervous. He just keeps acting very strange, not communicating and closing himself to any help. Until yesterday, when he finally accepted my helping him, which meant working together on an automobile launch until bedtime. Don't misunderstand me: I know absolutely nothing about the car industry, and was therefore just seating next to him and listening. The problem is that he now wants me to sit next to him every evening of this week, as if he couldn't do it alone. Did I mention that he will then present this exercise at his interview on Friday? Sorry, but no more details about it for now. You should be tired of reading about our various job applications around Europe anyway by now!

Roller coaster

I feel like I am on a roller coaster these days. I am surrounded by boxes, some closed, others unfinished and open. I stress out about not being able to finish the packing on time, and minutes later I realize I have plenty of time ahead of me. I worry about how to solve the legal issue of my company not paying me everything they owe me, and then just feel thankful to have left and the hell with them. The fact is I go from happiness and relief, to stress and irritation in a matter of seconds: I love the appartment M chose and rented, but get all frustrated when I see that we can't seem to agree on oh so many things about it.

I am happy about my decision, of that I am sure. I spent a wonderful weekend in Hannover and felt relieved when I saw all the pieces of the puzzle fitting together. I soon forgot about how nightmarishly my trip had started, when the airline made me pay a fortune for 18 kgs excess baggage, after my 'savior' sat next to me in the plane: a very nice Spanish lady, whose daughter followed the same exact path I am about to embark on. She left everything she had in Spain (job, appt, etc.) to move to Hannover and be with the man she loved. Funny coincidence, right? Or maybe not?

The Plan

Ladies and Gentlemen, Girls and Boys, it's confirmed: I am going ahead with the temporary solution. The Plan is simple: I am leaving my job (announced it to my boss this morning and boy did it feel great!), leaving Madrid, and starting a brand new student life in Hannover January of 2006! Yup, I plan to spend the first months of 2006 taking it easy, savouring my finally living together with M, and immersing myself into the German culture. I will take intensive German classes for four months, my goal being to be fluent by the end of April. And hopefully by then, M and/or I will have found a new job in another European city which will finally take us to the long-term solution.

I am happy, I feel light and free, excited and a bit scared. It just feels right and I cannot wait to start this new phase of my life. It's time for change. At last.

Saturday night

We all celebrated M's belated birthday Saturday night. 'We all' meaning M, his entire family (parents, uncles, aunts, cousins, grandmother, sister, nephews), and me. It was nice to see all these generations together around a big table, simply drinking, talking, having dinner. For the first time, I felt comfortable. It was great to be part of this big family, with its history and problems, qualities and defaults. Of course I wasn't able to say everything I wanted, given my limited German. But I did my best. And listened and smiled.

I was however a bit disappointed at M and the way he acted that night. Nothing big, but certainly a side I had never seen and I did not expect. A sort of selfishness. Which he quickly eluded when I brought up the subject. Which is now making me think twice about our temporary solution. Because it implies commitment and big changes mostly for me.

A temporary solution

We talked, discussed our options and both immediately agreed on which is the best one. Given, it's a temporary solution, but a solution nonetheless. We now have to look into it in detail, as it entails loads of drastic rapid changes. Give me a few days to research and coordinate, and I promise to tell you all about it. For now, all you need to know is that M and I are happy about the decision we made, and we are ready to start a brand new phase together as soon as January of 2006.

Forcing changes

M did not get the job. The Swiss company was forced to hire internally by its HQ. The sad part is that the Swiss company would have chosen M if allowed to hire externally. Anyhow, a new hope is gone and frankly, I cannot go on like this. I am falling apart. I believe I have been very strong and patient all these months. But enough is enough. Something needs to change. And as the famous proverb goes 'if the mountain won't come to Mohammed, Mohammed must go to the mountain', I am gonna have to force changes myself.

I am going to Hannover tomorrow; M and I will talk about our options. I have a pretty good idea of how to hasten changes, but I first have to see if M also sees that as a good option. Coming back to my current job after the Christmas holidays is certainly not an option in my book. More on that next week, when I'm back and know more about it myself!